I'm actually the hiring manager the original poster wrote about.
We're a small but growing company, and until quite recently, I was reviewing all the resumes personally. Our developers all work from home, so the jobs are open to every dev in the USA. This results in a flood of candidates, qualified and (mostly) otherwise.
Screening candidates started to become a full time job, so I hired a part-time screener to help. I made sure he had a background in hiring programmers so he wouldn't make rookie mistakes. I calibrated him using resumes from my current employees and made sure he understood the kinds of things I really care about (high evidence of passion, extra-curricular programming activities, contributions to open source, etc). We played some buzzword bingo.
It's pretty easy to submit for our jobs. We use an online system that accepts submissions and tracks candidates all the way through the hiring pipeline. But candidates still try to do an end-run around it. Sometimes they call our office phone number and try to get a resume to me through our office admin. Or they'll track me down online, and directly email me.
When it's obvious the candidate couldn't figure out how to submit online, I don't bother reviewing their resume. If a candidate chooses not to use the system we put in place and instead wastes the time of someone in my office, I usually ignore them. I'm sure this sounds harsh, especially to someone who has perhaps tried these tactics and failed, but if someone (especially a programmer) can't follow directions and doesn't respect the system and peoples' time, then I can't be bothered. You have to draw the line somewhere, and I draw it there, for better or for worse. The system exists for a reason, to streamline the process and make it as efficient as possible so we can get business done. No system is perfect, but we do the best we can. Occasionally, good people may fall through the cracks, but there's only so many hours in the day.
Now, the original poster didn't fall into the above category. Turns out he was rejected by my screener because his years of experience exceeded the limit set in our job posting. But not by much.
The OP did manage to locate my address and sent me a rather humorous email. So I am going to give him another look, because (a) he's not that far off the mark experience-wise, and (b) I really appreciate a good communicator with a sense of humor.
So, The Talking Walnut, expect a call.